Awesome thoughts on bank advertisements

Quick poll: how many of you get orgasmic at the idea of a checking account with free online banking, no monthly fees, no minimum transaction amounts and maybe even (gasp!) FREE PAPER CHECKS??

Oh...none of you? Why the fuck not??

...right, because that shit's been around for years already. Even the local Credit Unions have been offering that for a while now. So why do banks continue to advertise these feature as if they're the latest, greatest thing? Maybe bank marketing reps are a bunch of shitheads. Yeah...that's the conclusion I'm going with.

Hell, I should look into that as an alternative career option. If Marketing for banks is as simple as reminding everyone of the same features everyone else has been offering for the last decade, that job should be a snap!

"Welcome to JRose Bank! Did you know you can deposit cash AFTER HOURS with our 24-hour ATM service?? HOLY FUCKING SHIT, GAIZ...THIS IS AWESOME!!!"

I wonder if that works for other industries...

"Introducing the 2012 Chevy Camaro, fully-equipped with an AM/FM radio and power steering!"

I can already imagine the GM execs getting wet at hearing that line before throwing fat stacks of cash at my feet.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Le awesome shorty: Blades of Glory

Every once in a while, I think I'll post something brief. Whenever it strikes my fancy (and oh, how my fancy enjoys being struck. Henceforth, my fancy shall be dubbed "ye Tina Turner"). That said, I bring you Le Awesome Shorty!

I was thinking about "Blades of Glory" today. For those of you that haven't seen it, it's an ice skating comedy wherein Will Ferrell and Jon Heder try to keep their penises away from each other, despite obvious homoerotic tension between the two of them. They cover up their feelings for each by trying to bed Jenni Fischer, but neither of them get beyond second base.

Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are there, too.

That is all.

Awesome thoughts on appropriate dress

Picture, in your mind, a posh country club...

Nah, scratch that. Just make it a pool hall/bar. You're shooting pool with your friends and generally getting your ass kicked by your girlfriend when something catches your eye. A woman enters the pool area, somehow wearing less on her torso than cute Asian cosplay girls do and yet not getting arrested for it. You watch her make her way to a table of her friends while her chest dangerously straddles the thin line beyond which lies the Catholic shifty territory of indecent exposure.

Now imagine that she's not Asian. She not even cute. Also, she's roughly the size of 2.5 Asian women.

Yup.

Speaking of things that don't turn me on, I can't seem to find a way to un-delete meetings from my Outlook calendar. Talk about your boner killers (am I right, guys?). Perhaps I'm just a newb? In any case, Microsoft is at times the most effective form of contraception I've ever experienced. Perhaps Microsoft could look into this as a new potential market to battle declining PC sales. On second thought, though...the constant updates, freezes and "security holes" would be killer in the worst way. Instead of BSODs, you're dealing with BSOOS: blue screens of OBGYN scrubs...

Signing off...with little to no penetration...

P.S. On the opposite subject of things that DO turn me on...this is absolutely awesome and needs to be commercially available to me. Also, acronyms within acronyms and recursive acronyms.

Awesome thoughts on using the horn

I'm talking about using the horn on your motorized vehicle, by the way; not the horn on a rhinoceros or unicorn or anything. That would be admittedly awesome though, because the latter would imply the taming and/or slaughtering of a rhinoceros and/or unicorn. 'Nuff said.

On my way home today, I was caught in that awkward situation of being in the merging lane whilst three other vehicles were trying to merge next into my lane, all going at the same speed as I. Ultimately, two vehicles wound up merging ahead of me in such an awkward manner as to cause a rather significant (albeit temporary) slowdown. Almost immediately following said deceleration, I heard the squawking horn of an irritated driver.

Thing is - the car was two or three spots *behind* me, and it was blowing steam at the vehicle two spots ahead of me. It wasn't far enough that the honker couldn't see who was responsible, but it was far back enough to trigger a "what the fuck?" train of thought.

Seriously - at that far behind, the car causing the slowdown was probably barely even able to hear it (we're talking a fairly weak horn here). Even if the driver did hear, s/he likely didn't give a shit. More likely than anything, the honking horn just pissed off the people in between (myself included), whom were already a little miffed at being pushed back by a procrastinating driver.

People use the horn way too much nowadays. Sure - some people don't use it often enough, like me. But people use them for all the wrong reasons, and they like to use them in groups. Driving time is for driving, people; it's not time to orchestrate the most fucktastically irritating symphony of all time. If that was the intention of your horn, the manufacturer would make it play a musical tone or a small clip from Beethoven's "Ode to Joy".

Speaking of - how awesome would it be if car horns were more like musical instruments, and they all synchronized a melody over Bluetooth or radio? That would be fucking sweet. Imagine yourself in a traffic jam, mildly irritated/ridiculously irate at the lack of forward motion, and two or three drivers start honking right next to you. But instead of the annoying HONK of a horn, you hear Brahm's Lullaby?

I figure there are really only two outcomes: a) you smile cutely at the little jingle, or b) you get even more pissed off and launch into a fit of road rage galore. Then you grab your crowbar, baseball bat, car jack, battle axe, etc., get out of your car, bust open the window of the nearest driver and beat the shit of her and her three kids.

Sweet.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on moving forward

There comes a time in every man's life where he decides to make stand, take a chance, strike out and set forth to fulfill his lifelong dream(s). Such dreams may be big, and others small. They may be as awesome as "learning parkour," perhaps even as auspicious as "creating one puppy mill to rule them all". It's a time when man decides that the road on which he drives is no longer the road for him, especially when it's chock-full of old Asian women that drive 15 miles below the speed limit (seriously, ladies - that's *miles* per hour, not kilometers).

And lo, I have reached such a point in my life. It's time to set my feet firmly on a new path, one that holds the potential to unlock all the success and wellness that I have hoped for. It's time to stop hoping, and to start doing.

Yes - it's time to create a supersonic cat launcher. These things will seriously start the next world war.

Haha - just kidding. I'm going back to school. Will be providing status updates as they come.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on staying connected

Followers? When the hell did that happen? I was expecting some kind of e-mail notification. Guess I need to tinker with my Blogger settings. Alternatively, I can resume any number of awesome projects to this end: psychic abilities, cyborg implants, converting my consciousness into a purely digital format, existing solely on the cloud, etc. (man, I could access to all the best paid porn).

Speaking of cyborg implants, I finally watched Robocop. Yeah - I'd never seen it, even though it's a classic film that's set in the city of my birth. My conclusion after watching it is that you have to be a terrible actor - or at least a terrible Drama actor - to qualify for such a role. For more evidence to that point, I submit to you Robin Williams and Haley Joel Osment. Brent Spiner is the exception, not the rule.

Once upon a time, staying connected to others was a bit of a luxury, and relative solitude was the norm. Now, it appears things are exactly the opposite. Ultimately, I imagine we'll find ourselves in a "Minority Report"-esque world, where anyone (particularly the authorities) will be able to find us, no matter where we go or what we do. This terrifies me, mostly because that's way too close of an association to Tom Cruise than I care to entertain. I can feel my IQ dropping just thinking about it.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on office thievery

I picked up some food items during lunch today and decided to store them in the office refrigerator. Before doing so, I wrote my name on the containers with permanent marker...not so much to deter potential thieves (it wouldn't work anyway), but to let people know that it was not communal mayo and mustard sitting in the door there. Hey - the world doesn't always deserve my generosity.

It did get me thinking about office thievery though, and how I might respond if someone stole my food. The most awesome response I could come up with would almost certainly result in disciplinary action, but I'd still like to share the e-mail I would love to write:

"Once upon a time there was a man. A simple man, who wanted nothing more than to store his foodstuffs safely in the community refrigerator. This man made clear to mark his belongings so as to prevent any ownership confusion.

Alas, under the cover of darkness, a crafty vagabond stole away from this man the food he had stored, and the man's lunch break was subsequently ruined.

...yeah, so someone stole my food from the fridge. It had my name on it. Mine. One that is not shared with anyone in the office. Not even my first name.

So I'm going to let everyone in on a secret: I rub my balls and occasionally even my donger on any food item I store in the fridge. I'd tell you to suck my balls, but really, you already have.

Regards,

~The Man

P.S. DIAF"

Signing off...with little to no penetration

Awesome thoughts on techy things

Here are some things I learned while shopping at Best Buy yesterday:

1. Apple (still) makes some of the most frustratingly retarded mice
2. A 55-inch LED, 3D-capable HDTV can incite jealousy in any man whose had both of his testicles drop (goddamnit Samsung, why did you have to make it so fucking pretty?)
   
3. Those new hybrid hard drives are not cost-effective
4. Tablet devices look even more stupid in real life than I imagined they would

On an entirely separate train of thought (I jump trains like Harrison Ford - keep up), I am entirely disheartened to find that many websites, including and for example the FAFSA website, do not officially support Firefox. Initially I was shocked, but then I discovered that over half the world is still using Internet Explorer. This was even more shocking, as I was quite confident that Internet Explorer had been outlawed, though that may have just been part of a dream or the sorriest piece of geeky fan-fiction I've ever read. Seriously people...get with the times. The only two major browsers with increasing market share are Chrome and Safari, so if you still have a soul left in you you'll do the moral thing and start using Chrome ASAP. Or at least Firefox, so you can fulfill your lifelong dream of being more like me.

Speaking of geeky fan-fiction...what if someone wrote a story that personified the browsers in the world today as major powers in a huge Middle Earth-esque conflict? It would probably be shitty, unless there was some awesome inter-browser sex going on. Hell, I've got three installed on my desktop right now. Thems be the makings for the sexiest geek orgy you've ever seen.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on one-liners

It's rather brilliant how a single line can shift the focus of an entire conversation, or even an entire series of conversations spanning a given time period. What's even better about them is that they can come from literally anywhere, and they're particularly enjoyable when they come from someone you don't really know.

Take last night's dinner, for example. Me and my lovely companion were wrapping up dinner last night when our waiter - a kindly old man - stopped by and commented that he'd only been working at that establishment a few months and couldn't wait to try a bunch of things on the menu. Until we was able to try them all, he said, he would just have to 'undress them with his eyes, with little to no penetration.'

Needless to say, that statement - in particular the last clause - dominated conversation for the rest of the evening. I personally feel it can serve as punctuation for such a huge range of sentences/topics. For example, while walking past a massive crane after dinner, I looked up and said, "You need something moved? I can do that. I can do that SO HARD...with little to no penetration."

Sometimes I wish I could remember to document all of these little gems that life drops on me along the way. They're fantastic.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on restaurant names

I was thinking last night about how fun it would be to own a restaurant where the theme was to mock today's religions. From Christianity to Scientology; no one would be safe.

It would probably be called "The Flying Spaghetti House", and would feature such dishes as:

• The "Fuck Lent - this burger is too awesome not to eat" Burger
• The "Flesh of the Christ" leg of lamb (beautifully symbolic, no?)
  
• The "even Mohammed would eat this" pulled-pork sandwich

Just an idea.

[...insert witty sign-off here...]

Awesome thoughts on qualitative values

I have a problem with non-specific (read: non-quantitative) values in many situations. The inherent uncertainty and imprecision really bothers me, even if it doesn't affect my every day life so much. Every once in a while, though, life reminds me why I dislike them. Today was one of those days.

This little reminder came to me while I was gobbling up my Taco Bell lunch. Traditionally, I had ordered a chicken quesadilla (along with a few other items), and traditionally, I had saved it for last. A recent addition to my tradition - seriously, don't re-read the preceding clause unless you want to get queasy - has been to ask for extra jalapeño sauce on my quesadilla. The reason for this is that many taco bell employees seem to think that putting a thimbleful-sized amount of this sauce on their quesadillas (or indeed, none at all) is acceptable (pro-tip: IT IS DEFINITELY NOT ACCEPTABLE).

Today, however, the Taco Bell employee(s? - seriously, it might take more than one average Taco Bell employee to assemble a sandwich) that handled this part of my order saw fit to unload an amount of sauce on the quesadilla that even I would find exorbitant. I would have taken a picture and posted it here, but I did not want to admit to the world that my lunch was a direct cause of the massive jalapeño shortage that I'm sure is on the way.

Let me put this in perspective for you: I like sauces and related condiments. A lot. Salad dressing? I take it with a side of lettuce. Ketchup? You can't even tell what's underneath it in that bun. And Sour Cream?? If life had an "overflow glitch" like many video games do, I'd be alternating between being a black and a white man every other day. You know - from all the whiteness.

But this??? This was just ridiculous. The amount of sauce that dripped out of a single quarter of the quesadilla on its way to my mouth was enough to end hunger in Africa. No - not really because there would be enough to go around (though really there would be); those people would have either perished or become sterile from jalalpeño overload by the end of their partaking of this quesadilla. I am fortunate in that my own iron balls are impervious.

In all seriousness, I wish there were some more rigid definitions over what "extra" or "nearly" or "a lot of" meant. Some kind of quantitative ballpark limitations for these expressions. Maybe then I could stop thinking about fat, dead babies.

Then again - you may be onto something there, Taco Bell.

[...insert witty sign-off here..]

Awesome thoughts on NBC's "The Voice"

Yep. It happened. I started up this nonsense (read: blogging) again.

I'll skip the boring back story of what's been going on since my posts in 2008. No one cares about that (particularly as I have no readers or followers at this time). Let's get right to it then.

"The Voice". It's the by-product of NBC's belief that television is not yet over-saturated with singing competition reality shows (also reality shows in general), and the dollar signs their executives have constantly spinning round their eyeballs. Alas, I am a sucker for watching not-famous people sing, so I'm at least giving it a shot.

It is a little different than most shows of its kind (though whether or not I'd call it "refreshingly" so is another matter). It's actually a competition between the stars/judges/coaches as well as the actual performers. The coaches are each to choose a team of 8 performers that will compete against the other coaches and their teams. They create their teams by listening to the performers with their backs turned. If they like what they hear, they press a button/buzzer, turn around and meet their newest team member face-to-face. If multiple coaches do so, then the performer gets to decide for themselves the coach with which they'd like to work. It's a significant change from traditional singing contests in that it's not just the "new talent" that's competing; it's the judges as well.

I say "new talent" (think air quotes, people) because the other way in which this show greatly differs from others of its class is that the contestants aren't amateurs. I won't get into that much further, but you can read more about it here.

The judges are an interestingly varied sort: Christina Aguilera, Cee lo Green, Blake Shelton and Adam Lavigne. They're all stellar in their own right. Does that make them decent coaches?

• Christina Aguilera: She seems rather dis ingenuous ("dis ingenuous" is such a kick-ass thing to say), which is disappointing for someone with so much talent. She lends to the show her own brand of "campy."
  
• Cee lo Green: I love this guy. He's cooler than Randy Jackson, and his voice is far too addicting for my own good.
  
• Blake Shelton: Outstanding country performer, and (surprisingly) the most outwardly aggressive and competitive coach. He's probably the funniest. Also, he's a pretty tall guy.
• Adam Lavigne: Right off the bat, he admits that he's not as good a singer as some of the contestants. What a fantastic observation. I'm glad he agrees with me. He's also the pickiest of the judges, really hesitant to vie for a contestant unless he's truly blown away by his/her voice. That gives him a nice edge over the other judges, and he nabbed what is in my opinion some of the more talented contestants. It is noteworthy, however, that he apparently has not heard "Bless the Broken Road" before and somehow figures this gives him license to proclaim that some nasally schmuck could sing it better than Gary LeVox >.> This is fail. Dense fail. Neutron star fail.
  

Should we talk about the host? It's Carson Daly. Meh. But at least he's not as intrusive and ridiculous as Ryan Seacrest (seriously, when are they going to stop paying that guy for sucking up my oxygen?).

I'll give the show props for not capitalizing on the humiliation, tears and inherent hilarity of watching terrible singers perform and get run through by the harsh let downs of their idols. The chemistry between the judges is a bit off, and there are some contestants that are just truly underwhelming, but it's got an interesting enough premise in its break from the singing competition norms. I'm not at all hooked, but not entirely turned off. Guess we'll see where it goes from here.

One more thing: the show gets props for introducing me to the most bitching 'fro I've ever seen.

Seriously, look at that shit. Dude has gotten soooooo much more play than you.

[insert witty sign-off here]