Quick poll: how many of you get orgasmic at the idea of a checking account with free online banking, no monthly fees, no minimum transaction amounts and maybe even (gasp!) FREE PAPER CHECKS??
Oh...none of you? Why the fuck not??
...right, because that shit's been around for years already. Even the local Credit Unions have been offering that for a while now. So why do banks continue to advertise these feature as if they're the latest, greatest thing? Maybe bank marketing reps are a bunch of shitheads. Yeah...that's the conclusion I'm going with.
Hell, I should look into that as an alternative career option. If Marketing for banks is as simple as reminding everyone of the same features everyone else has been offering for the last decade, that job should be a snap!
"Welcome to JRose Bank! Did you know you can deposit cash AFTER HOURS with our 24-hour ATM service?? HOLY FUCKING SHIT, GAIZ...THIS IS AWESOME!!!"
I wonder if that works for other industries...
"Introducing the 2012 Chevy Camaro, fully-equipped with an AM/FM radio and power steering!"
I can already imagine the GM execs getting wet at hearing that line before throwing fat stacks of cash at my feet.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Le awesome shorty: Blades of Glory
Every once in a while, I think I'll post something brief. Whenever it strikes my fancy (and oh, how my fancy enjoys being struck. Henceforth, my fancy shall be dubbed "ye Tina Turner"). That said, I bring you Le Awesome Shorty!
I was thinking about "Blades of Glory" today. For those of you that haven't seen it, it's an ice skating comedy wherein Will Ferrell and Jon Heder try to keep their penises away from each other, despite obvious homoerotic tension between the two of them. They cover up their feelings for each by trying to bed Jenni Fischer, but neither of them get beyond second base.
Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are there, too.
That is all.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Awesome thoughts on appropriate dress
Picture, in your mind, a posh country club...
Nah, scratch that. Just make it a pool hall/bar. You're shooting pool with your friends and generally getting your ass kicked by your girlfriend when something catches your eye. A woman enters the pool area, somehow wearing less on her torso than cute Asian cosplay girls do and yet not getting arrested for it. You watch her make her way to a table of her friends while her chest dangerously straddles the thin line beyond which lies theCatholic shifty territory of indecent exposure.
Now imagine that she's not Asian. She not even cute. Also, she's roughly the size of 2.5 Asian women.
Yup.
Speaking of things that don't turn me on, I can't seem to find a way to un-delete meetings from my Outlook calendar. Talk about your boner killers (am I right, guys?). Perhaps I'm just a newb? In any case, Microsoft is at times the most effective form of contraception I've ever experienced. Perhaps Microsoft could look into this as a new potential market to battle declining PC sales. On second thought, though...the constant updates, freezes and "security holes" would be killer in the worst way. Instead of BSODs, you're dealing with BSOOS: blue screens of OBGYN scrubs...
Signing off...with little to no penetration...
P.S. On the opposite subject of things that DO turn me on...this is absolutely awesome and needs to be commercially available to me. Also, acronyms within acronyms and recursive acronyms.
Nah, scratch that. Just make it a pool hall/bar. You're shooting pool with your friends and generally getting your ass kicked by your girlfriend when something catches your eye. A woman enters the pool area, somehow wearing less on her torso than cute Asian cosplay girls do and yet not getting arrested for it. You watch her make her way to a table of her friends while her chest dangerously straddles the thin line beyond which lies the
Now imagine that she's not Asian. She not even cute. Also, she's roughly the size of 2.5 Asian women.
Yup.
Speaking of things that don't turn me on, I can't seem to find a way to un-delete meetings from my Outlook calendar. Talk about your boner killers (am I right, guys?). Perhaps I'm just a newb? In any case, Microsoft is at times the most effective form of contraception I've ever experienced. Perhaps Microsoft could look into this as a new potential market to battle declining PC sales. On second thought, though...the constant updates, freezes and "security holes" would be killer in the worst way. Instead of BSODs, you're dealing with BSOOS: blue screens of OBGYN scrubs...
Signing off...with little to no penetration...
P.S. On the opposite subject of things that DO turn me on...this is absolutely awesome and needs to be commercially available to me. Also, acronyms within acronyms and recursive acronyms.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Awesome thoughts on using the horn
I'm talking about using the horn on your motorized vehicle, by the way; not the horn on a rhinoceros or unicorn or anything. That would be admittedly awesome though, because the latter would imply the taming and/or slaughtering of a rhinoceros and/or unicorn. 'Nuff said.
On my way home today, I was caught in that awkward situation of being in the merging lane whilst three other vehicles were trying to merge next into my lane, all going at the same speed as I. Ultimately, two vehicles wound up merging ahead of me in such an awkward manner as to cause a rather significant (albeit temporary) slowdown. Almost immediately following said deceleration, I heard the squawking horn of an irritated driver.
Thing is - the car was two or three spots *behind* me, and it was blowing steam at the vehicle two spots ahead of me. It wasn't far enough that the honker couldn't see who was responsible, but it was far back enough to trigger a "what the fuck?" train of thought.
Seriously - at that far behind, the car causing the slowdown was probably barely even able to hear it (we're talking a fairly weak horn here). Even if the driver did hear, s/he likely didn't give a shit. More likely than anything, the honking horn just pissed off the people in between (myself included), whom were already a little miffed at being pushed back by a procrastinating driver.
People use the horn way too much nowadays. Sure - some people don't use it often enough, like me. But people use them for all the wrong reasons, and they like to use them in groups. Driving time is for driving, people; it's not time to orchestrate the most fucktastically irritating symphony of all time. If that was the intention of your horn, the manufacturer would make it play a musical tone or a small clip from Beethoven's "Ode to Joy".
Speaking of - how awesome would it be if car horns were more like musical instruments, and they all synchronized a melody over Bluetooth or radio? That would be fucking sweet. Imagine yourself in a traffic jam, mildly irritated/ridiculously irate at the lack of forward motion, and two or three drivers start honking right next to you. But instead of the annoying HONK of a horn, you hear Brahm's Lullaby?
I figure there are really only two outcomes: a) you smile cutely at the little jingle, or b) you get even more pissed off and launch into a fit of road rage galore. Then you grab your crowbar, baseball bat, car jack, battle axe, etc., get out of your car, bust open the window of the nearest driver and beat the shit of her and her three kids.
Sweet.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
On my way home today, I was caught in that awkward situation of being in the merging lane whilst three other vehicles were trying to merge next into my lane, all going at the same speed as I. Ultimately, two vehicles wound up merging ahead of me in such an awkward manner as to cause a rather significant (albeit temporary) slowdown. Almost immediately following said deceleration, I heard the squawking horn of an irritated driver.
Thing is - the car was two or three spots *behind* me, and it was blowing steam at the vehicle two spots ahead of me. It wasn't far enough that the honker couldn't see who was responsible, but it was far back enough to trigger a "what the fuck?" train of thought.
Seriously - at that far behind, the car causing the slowdown was probably barely even able to hear it (we're talking a fairly weak horn here). Even if the driver did hear, s/he likely didn't give a shit. More likely than anything, the honking horn just pissed off the people in between (myself included), whom were already a little miffed at being pushed back by a procrastinating driver.
People use the horn way too much nowadays. Sure - some people don't use it often enough, like me. But people use them for all the wrong reasons, and they like to use them in groups. Driving time is for driving, people; it's not time to orchestrate the most fucktastically irritating symphony of all time. If that was the intention of your horn, the manufacturer would make it play a musical tone or a small clip from Beethoven's "Ode to Joy".
Speaking of - how awesome would it be if car horns were more like musical instruments, and they all synchronized a melody over Bluetooth or radio? That would be fucking sweet. Imagine yourself in a traffic jam, mildly irritated/ridiculously irate at the lack of forward motion, and two or three drivers start honking right next to you. But instead of the annoying HONK of a horn, you hear Brahm's Lullaby?
I figure there are really only two outcomes: a) you smile cutely at the little jingle, or b) you get even more pissed off and launch into a fit of road rage galore. Then you grab your crowbar, baseball bat, car jack, battle axe, etc., get out of your car, bust open the window of the nearest driver and beat the shit of her and her three kids.
Sweet.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Awesome thoughts on moving forward
There comes a time in every man's life where he decides to make stand, take a chance, strike out and set forth to fulfill his lifelong dream(s). Such dreams may be big, and others small. They may be as awesome as "learning parkour," perhaps even as auspicious as "creating one puppy mill to rule them all". It's a time when man decides that the road on which he drives is no longer the road for him, especially when it's chock-full of old Asian women that drive 15 miles below the speed limit (seriously, ladies - that's *miles* per hour, not kilometers).
And lo, I have reached such a point in my life. It's time to set my feet firmly on a new path, one that holds the potential to unlock all the success and wellness that I have hoped for. It's time to stop hoping, and to start doing.
Yes - it's time to create a supersonic cat launcher. These things will seriously start the next world war.
Haha - just kidding. I'm going back to school. Will be providing status updates as they come.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
And lo, I have reached such a point in my life. It's time to set my feet firmly on a new path, one that holds the potential to unlock all the success and wellness that I have hoped for. It's time to stop hoping, and to start doing.
Yes - it's time to create a supersonic cat launcher. These things will seriously start the next world war.
Haha - just kidding. I'm going back to school. Will be providing status updates as they come.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Awesome thoughts on staying connected
Followers? When the hell did that happen? I was expecting some kind of e-mail notification. Guess I need to tinker with my Blogger settings. Alternatively, I can resume any number of awesome projects to this end: psychic abilities, cyborg implants, converting my consciousness into a purely digital format, existing solely on the cloud, etc. (man, I could access to all the best paid porn).
Speaking of cyborg implants, I finally watched Robocop. Yeah - I'd never seen it, even though it's a classic film that's set in the city of my birth. My conclusion after watching it is that you have to be a terrible actor - or at least a terrible Drama actor - to qualify for such a role. For more evidence to that point, I submit to you Robin Williams and Haley Joel Osment. Brent Spiner is the exception, not the rule.
Once upon a time, staying connected to others was a bit of a luxury, and relative solitude was the norm. Now, it appears things are exactly the opposite. Ultimately, I imagine we'll find ourselves in a "Minority Report"-esque world, where anyone (particularly the authorities) will be able to find us, no matter where we go or what we do. This terrifies me, mostly because that's way too close of an association to Tom Cruise than I care to entertain. I can feel my IQ dropping just thinking about it.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Speaking of cyborg implants, I finally watched Robocop. Yeah - I'd never seen it, even though it's a classic film that's set in the city of my birth. My conclusion after watching it is that you have to be a terrible actor - or at least a terrible Drama actor - to qualify for such a role. For more evidence to that point, I submit to you Robin Williams and Haley Joel Osment. Brent Spiner is the exception, not the rule.
Once upon a time, staying connected to others was a bit of a luxury, and relative solitude was the norm. Now, it appears things are exactly the opposite. Ultimately, I imagine we'll find ourselves in a "Minority Report"-esque world, where anyone (particularly the authorities) will be able to find us, no matter where we go or what we do. This terrifies me, mostly because that's way too close of an association to Tom Cruise than I care to entertain. I can feel my IQ dropping just thinking about it.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Awesome thoughts on office thievery
I picked up some food items during lunch today and decided to store them in the office refrigerator. Before doing so, I wrote my name on the containers with permanent marker...not so much to deter potential thieves (it wouldn't work anyway), but to let people know that it was not communal mayo and mustard sitting in the door there. Hey - the world doesn't always deserve my generosity.
It did get me thinking about office thievery though, and how I might respond if someone stole my food. The most awesome response I could come up with would almost certainly result in disciplinary action, but I'd still like to share the e-mail I would love to write:
"Once upon a time there was a man. A simple man, who wanted nothing more than to store his foodstuffs safely in the community refrigerator. This man made clear to mark his belongings so as to prevent any ownership confusion.
Alas, under the cover of darkness, a crafty vagabond stole away from this man the food he had stored, and the man's lunch break was subsequently ruined.
...yeah, so someone stole my food from the fridge. It had my name on it. Mine. One that is not shared with anyone in the office. Not even my first name.
So I'm going to let everyone in on a secret: I rub my balls and occasionally even my donger on any food item I store in the fridge. I'd tell you to suck my balls, but really, you already have.
Regards,
~The Man
P.S. DIAF"
Signing off...with little to no penetration
It did get me thinking about office thievery though, and how I might respond if someone stole my food. The most awesome response I could come up with would almost certainly result in disciplinary action, but I'd still like to share the e-mail I would love to write:
"Once upon a time there was a man. A simple man, who wanted nothing more than to store his foodstuffs safely in the community refrigerator. This man made clear to mark his belongings so as to prevent any ownership confusion.
Alas, under the cover of darkness, a crafty vagabond stole away from this man the food he had stored, and the man's lunch break was subsequently ruined.
...yeah, so someone stole my food from the fridge. It had my name on it. Mine. One that is not shared with anyone in the office. Not even my first name.
So I'm going to let everyone in on a secret: I rub my balls and occasionally even my donger on any food item I store in the fridge. I'd tell you to suck my balls, but really, you already have.
Regards,
~The Man
P.S. DIAF"
Signing off...with little to no penetration
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)