Awesome thoughts on NBC's "The Voice"

Yep. It happened. I started up this nonsense (read: blogging) again.

I'll skip the boring back story of what's been going on since my posts in 2008. No one cares about that (particularly as I have no readers or followers at this time). Let's get right to it then.

"The Voice". It's the by-product of NBC's belief that television is not yet over-saturated with singing competition reality shows (also reality shows in general), and the dollar signs their executives have constantly spinning round their eyeballs. Alas, I am a sucker for watching not-famous people sing, so I'm at least giving it a shot.

It is a little different than most shows of its kind (though whether or not I'd call it "refreshingly" so is another matter). It's actually a competition between the stars/judges/coaches as well as the actual performers. The coaches are each to choose a team of 8 performers that will compete against the other coaches and their teams. They create their teams by listening to the performers with their backs turned. If they like what they hear, they press a button/buzzer, turn around and meet their newest team member face-to-face. If multiple coaches do so, then the performer gets to decide for themselves the coach with which they'd like to work. It's a significant change from traditional singing contests in that it's not just the "new talent" that's competing; it's the judges as well.

I say "new talent" (think air quotes, people) because the other way in which this show greatly differs from others of its class is that the contestants aren't amateurs. I won't get into that much further, but you can read more about it here.

The judges are an interestingly varied sort: Christina Aguilera, Cee lo Green, Blake Shelton and Adam Lavigne. They're all stellar in their own right. Does that make them decent coaches?

• Christina Aguilera: She seems rather dis ingenuous ("dis ingenuous" is such a kick-ass thing to say), which is disappointing for someone with so much talent. She lends to the show her own brand of "campy."
  
• Cee lo Green: I love this guy. He's cooler than Randy Jackson, and his voice is far too addicting for my own good.
  
• Blake Shelton: Outstanding country performer, and (surprisingly) the most outwardly aggressive and competitive coach. He's probably the funniest. Also, he's a pretty tall guy.
• Adam Lavigne: Right off the bat, he admits that he's not as good a singer as some of the contestants. What a fantastic observation. I'm glad he agrees with me. He's also the pickiest of the judges, really hesitant to vie for a contestant unless he's truly blown away by his/her voice. That gives him a nice edge over the other judges, and he nabbed what is in my opinion some of the more talented contestants. It is noteworthy, however, that he apparently has not heard "Bless the Broken Road" before and somehow figures this gives him license to proclaim that some nasally schmuck could sing it better than Gary LeVox >.> This is fail. Dense fail. Neutron star fail.
  

Should we talk about the host? It's Carson Daly. Meh. But at least he's not as intrusive and ridiculous as Ryan Seacrest (seriously, when are they going to stop paying that guy for sucking up my oxygen?).

I'll give the show props for not capitalizing on the humiliation, tears and inherent hilarity of watching terrible singers perform and get run through by the harsh let downs of their idols. The chemistry between the judges is a bit off, and there are some contestants that are just truly underwhelming, but it's got an interesting enough premise in its break from the singing competition norms. I'm not at all hooked, but not entirely turned off. Guess we'll see where it goes from here.

One more thing: the show gets props for introducing me to the most bitching 'fro I've ever seen.

Seriously, look at that shit. Dude has gotten soooooo much more play than you.

[insert witty sign-off here]

Awesome thoughts on "Quantum of Solace"

Recognize this guy?

You'd better. Because he's Daniel Craig. The new (and improved) face of James Bond. Ever seen his performance in "Casino Royale," which re-birthed the Bond series? If you haven't, then go see it or hand over your testicles, guys. Because he's awesome. So was "Casino Royale." It left me greatly anticipating the next movie in which this awesome man would star an equally awesome character of fiction.

Needless to say, I happily purchased my tickets last Saturday and sat eagerly in my seat with high expectations. Those expectations were brutally destroyed over the course of the following 107 minutes.

What is "Quantum of Solace?" In a word? Garbage. Especially when compared to its incredible predecessor. This movie lacked the intrigue, suspense (it quickly became lame and predictable and predictably lame), sultriness, sensuality, and most everything else that made "Casino Royale" so great. Daniel Craig put his all into the performance, but you can't paint a beautiful picture with dog poo to work with. You can work that stuff all you want, but it'll still stink in the end.

Want a quick summary of the movie? It's pretty easy to remember. I wouldn't be surprised if prepubescent schoolgirls turned it into one of those jump rope songs they like to sing. Here goes:

Chase scene (car)
Two minutes filler dialogue
Guy gets shot
Chase scene (foot)
Three minutes filler dialogue
Guy gets stabbed
Chase scene (car again)
Three minutes filler dialogue
Chase scene (wooden motorboat???)
Boats explode

And that's pretty much how the movie went. Lots of chase scenes with a healthy serving of pointless dialogue. The plot pretty much went nowhere, and the movie left me feeling rather empty inside. The fem in the movie was very blah, especially when compared to the incredible performance of the ever-gorgeous Eva Greene in the previous film.

So here's how you can make your own crappy Bond movie: take everything that made "Casino Royale" great and strap that to your boots. Go run in a muddy field and stomp in every pile of animal turd you can find. Go for piles of dog poop. Big ones. Clifford the Big Red Dog kind of big. Then, take out the DVD, grind it into tiny pieces, and mix that in with whatever you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. Finish off with a dusting of some fight scenes that were apparently ripped from the Bourne series.

In a nutshell: "QoS" comes off as another lame action film and doesn't live up to or utilize the true potential of the franchise or the actors. For some reason, there are a lot of Bond fanboys who love the movie. This time, however, I agree with what appears to be the majority of the professional critics. You can read about that HERE.

If Sean Connery were dead, he'd be turning in his grave right about now. I'm sure Ian Fleming already has.

Awesome thoughts on morbid curiosity

For a while now I've known that I have a problem being morbidly curious. Not "a problem" in the sense that I find it difficult being morbidly curious; it's rather the opposite. If I hear of something morbid, I feel the incredible urge to go research it. For example, I just spent a few hours researching the "Son of Sam" murders and Charles Manson. Sick stuff. I feel like I'm gonna barf.

Lesson here? I need to find a new hobby.

Awesome thoughts on "make-it-yourself" lunch packages

Oscar Meyer and Kraft Foods have enjoyed the success of their Lunchables line of pre-packed meals, the marketing for this product line targeted at parents who are far too busy with important things (i.e. deciding which swingers club to hit next) to throw some bread, meat and cheese into a paper bag for their children before they go to school. So instead of having their kids sit at the lunch table and sandwich some roast beef and sharp cheddar between two pieces of whole-wheat bread with a little mustard, parents have apparently decided their kids are better off layering some *cough* "lunch meat" and some 'processed cheese product' between a couple of crackers. And thus, kids get the delusional idea that they're making their own lunch, the parents have to put only minimal effort into making sure their kids have...stuff...to eat at school, and the Oscar Meyer and Kraft companies make nice fat stacks of cash.

Well, it was only a matter of time before some genius up there decided they could market this food to adults too! So what do you get when you combine some phony deli bread, a stick of cheese, some prepackaged roast beef, a packet of mayo and a packet full of stolen Arby's sauce?



BAM!! Eat your heart out, lazy Americans!

That's right: Oscar Meyer's Deli Creations. Being the fat pig that I am, I bought a couple of these for about $1.33 apiece when I saw them on sale at the grocery store. I just finished my first one for lunch a couple of minutes ago (the same one you see in the picture), in fact. Initial impressions? Read on.

I'll start off by saying the box makes the sandwich seem a lot bigger than it actually is. I'll also say that the box insults any human with half a brain by providing instructions on how to make the sandwich. Because figuring out that everything goes between the two pieces of bread just isn't something I'd come up with on my own.

Taste-wise, it wasn't bad. Not the best I've had, and probably not the worst. The meat is more real-looking than in the Lunchables line, as was the cheese. The mayo was...well, mayo, and the "steakhouse sauce" was a complete rip off of Arby's sauce. Overall, I'd still rather have a plain Arby's roast beef sandwich than this thing.

Cost analysis? Well, although I paid roughly $1.33 for one of these things, they're normally about two bucks a pop. How much would it have cost me to make this on my own?

• Two (2) slices of white bread (don't give me any bull about the type of bread these guys used...it was white bread shaped all fancy-like): $0.13
• 1/4 lb. roast beef (of moderate quality, such as was used in their sandwich): $0.88
• One (1) slice cheddar cheese: $0.12
• One (1) Tbsp mayo: $0.05
• One (1) packet of Arby's sauce: Free (unless the Arby's restaurant manager is being a real douche)
• TOTAL COST: $1.18

So it turns out this thing was about 41% more expensive overall than if I had just made a sandwich on my own. The actual price difference is only $0.82, but that's a lot for a sandwich. The lesson here: stop being lazy and make your own stupid lunch. Or make your kids make their own stupid lunches. Oscar Meyer and Kraft don't need any more of your money; they make enough selling overpriced lunch meats and condiments as it is. And your kids don't need brand-name foods; it only makes them dumber.

As always, please note that these are my thoughts and opinions, and not those of any employee, company, deity or other person or entity with which I am affiliated. I doubt you'll ever find out who I work for, but I figured I'd throw that out there, just in case.