I picked up some food items during lunch today and decided to store them in the office refrigerator. Before doing so, I wrote my name on the containers with permanent marker...not so much to deter potential thieves (it wouldn't work anyway), but to let people know that it was not communal mayo and mustard sitting in the door there. Hey - the world doesn't always deserve my generosity.
It did get me thinking about office thievery though, and how I might respond if someone stole my food. The most awesome response I could come up with would almost certainly result in disciplinary action, but I'd still like to share the e-mail I would love to write:
"Once upon a time there was a man. A simple man, who wanted nothing more than to store his foodstuffs safely in the community refrigerator. This man made clear to mark his belongings so as to prevent any ownership confusion.
Alas, under the cover of darkness, a crafty vagabond stole away from this man the food he had stored, and the man's lunch break was subsequently ruined.
...yeah, so someone stole my food from the fridge. It had my name on it. Mine. One that is not shared with anyone in the office. Not even my first name.
So I'm going to let everyone in on a secret: I rub my balls and occasionally even my donger on any food item I store in the fridge. I'd tell you to suck my balls, but really, you already have.
Regards,
~The Man
P.S. DIAF"
Signing off...with little to no penetration
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Awesome thoughts on techy things
Here are some things I learned while shopping at Best Buy yesterday:
Speaking of geeky fan-fiction...what if someone wrote a story that personified the browsers in the world today as major powers in a huge Middle Earth-esque conflict? It would probably be shitty, unless there was some awesome inter-browser sex going on. Hell, I've got three installed on my desktop right now. Thems be the makings for the sexiest geek orgy you've ever seen.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
- Apple (still) makes some of the most frustratingly retarded mice
- A 55-inch LED, 3D-capable HDTV can incite jealousy in any man whose had both of his testicles drop (goddamnit Samsung, why did you have to make it so fucking pretty?)
- Those new hybrid hard drives are not cost-effective
- Tablet devices look even more stupid in real life than I imagined they would
Speaking of geeky fan-fiction...what if someone wrote a story that personified the browsers in the world today as major powers in a huge Middle Earth-esque conflict? It would probably be shitty, unless there was some awesome inter-browser sex going on. Hell, I've got three installed on my desktop right now. Thems be the makings for the sexiest geek orgy you've ever seen.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Awesome thoughts on one-liners
It's rather brilliant how a single line can shift the focus of an entire conversation, or even an entire series of conversations spanning a given time period. What's even better about them is that they can come from literally anywhere, and they're particularly enjoyable when they come from someone you don't really know.
Take last night's dinner, for example. Me and my lovely companion were wrapping up dinner last night when our waiter - a kindly old man - stopped by and commented that he'd only been working at that establishment a few months and couldn't wait to try a bunch of things on the menu. Until we was able to try them all, he said, he would just have to 'undress them with his eyes, with little to no penetration.'
Needless to say, that statement - in particular the last clause - dominated conversation for the rest of the evening. I personally feel it can serve as punctuation for such a huge range of sentences/topics. For example, while walking past a massive crane after dinner, I looked up and said, "You need something moved? I can do that. I can do that SO HARD...with little to no penetration."
Sometimes I wish I could remember to document all of these little gems that life drops on me along the way. They're fantastic.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Take last night's dinner, for example. Me and my lovely companion were wrapping up dinner last night when our waiter - a kindly old man - stopped by and commented that he'd only been working at that establishment a few months and couldn't wait to try a bunch of things on the menu. Until we was able to try them all, he said, he would just have to 'undress them with his eyes, with little to no penetration.'
Needless to say, that statement - in particular the last clause - dominated conversation for the rest of the evening. I personally feel it can serve as punctuation for such a huge range of sentences/topics. For example, while walking past a massive crane after dinner, I looked up and said, "You need something moved? I can do that. I can do that SO HARD...with little to no penetration."
Sometimes I wish I could remember to document all of these little gems that life drops on me along the way. They're fantastic.
Signing off...with little to no penetration.
Awesome thoughts on restaurant names
I was thinking last night about how fun it would be to own a restaurant where the theme was to mock today's religions. From Christianity to Scientology; no one would be safe.
It would probably be called "The Flying Spaghetti House", and would feature such dishes as:
[...insert witty sign-off here...]
It would probably be called "The Flying Spaghetti House", and would feature such dishes as:
- The "Fuck Lent - this burger is too awesome not to eat" Burger
- The "Flesh of the Christ" leg of lamb (beautifully symbolic, no?)
- The "even Mohammed would eat this" pulled-pork sandwich
[...insert witty sign-off here...]
Monday, May 2, 2011
Awesome thoughts on qualitative values
I have a problem with non-specific (read: non-quantitative) values in many situations. The inherent uncertainty and imprecision really bothers me, even if it doesn't affect my every day life so much. Every once in a while, though, life reminds me why I dislike them. Today was one of those days.
This little reminder came to me while I was gobbling up my Taco Bell lunch. Traditionally, I had ordered a chicken quesadilla (along with a few other items), and traditionally, I had saved it for last. A recent addition to my tradition - seriously, don't re-read the preceding clause unless you want to get queasy - has been to ask for extra jalapeño sauce on my quesadilla. The reason for this is that many taco bell employees seem to think that putting a thimbleful-sized amount of this sauce on their quesadillas (or indeed, none at all) is acceptable (pro-tip: IT IS DEFINITELY NOT ACCEPTABLE).
Today, however, the Taco Bell employee(s? - seriously, it might take more than one average Taco Bell employee to assemble a sandwich) that handled this part of my order saw fit to unload an amount of sauce on the quesadilla that even I would find exorbitant. I would have taken a picture and posted it here, but I did not want to admit to the world that my lunch was a direct cause of the massive jalapeño shortage that I'm sure is on the way.
Let me put this in perspective for you: I like sauces and related condiments. A lot. Salad dressing? I take it with a side of lettuce. Ketchup? You can't even tell what's underneath it in that bun. And Sour Cream?? If life had an "overflow glitch" like many video games do, I'd be alternating between being a black and a white man every other day. You know - from all the whiteness.
But this??? This was just ridiculous. The amount of sauce that dripped out of a single quarter of the quesadilla on its way to my mouth was enough to end hunger in Africa. No - not really because there would be enough to go around (though really there would be); those people would have either perished or become sterile from jalalpeño overload by the end of their partaking of this quesadilla. I am fortunate in that my own iron balls are impervious.
In all seriousness, I wish there were some more rigid definitions over what "extra" or "nearly" or "a lot of" meant. Some kind of quantitative ballpark limitations for these expressions. Maybe then I could stop thinking about fat, dead babies.
Then again - you may be onto something there, Taco Bell.
[...insert witty sign-off here..]
This little reminder came to me while I was gobbling up my Taco Bell lunch. Traditionally, I had ordered a chicken quesadilla (along with a few other items), and traditionally, I had saved it for last. A recent addition to my tradition - seriously, don't re-read the preceding clause unless you want to get queasy - has been to ask for extra jalapeño sauce on my quesadilla. The reason for this is that many taco bell employees seem to think that putting a thimbleful-sized amount of this sauce on their quesadillas (or indeed, none at all) is acceptable (pro-tip: IT IS DEFINITELY NOT ACCEPTABLE).
Today, however, the Taco Bell employee(s? - seriously, it might take more than one average Taco Bell employee to assemble a sandwich) that handled this part of my order saw fit to unload an amount of sauce on the quesadilla that even I would find exorbitant. I would have taken a picture and posted it here, but I did not want to admit to the world that my lunch was a direct cause of the massive jalapeño shortage that I'm sure is on the way.
Let me put this in perspective for you: I like sauces and related condiments. A lot. Salad dressing? I take it with a side of lettuce. Ketchup? You can't even tell what's underneath it in that bun. And Sour Cream?? If life had an "overflow glitch" like many video games do, I'd be alternating between being a black and a white man every other day. You know - from all the whiteness.
But this??? This was just ridiculous. The amount of sauce that dripped out of a single quarter of the quesadilla on its way to my mouth was enough to end hunger in Africa. No - not really because there would be enough to go around (though really there would be); those people would have either perished or become sterile from jalalpeño overload by the end of their partaking of this quesadilla. I am fortunate in that my own iron balls are impervious.
In all seriousness, I wish there were some more rigid definitions over what "extra" or "nearly" or "a lot of" meant. Some kind of quantitative ballpark limitations for these expressions. Maybe then I could stop thinking about fat, dead babies.
Then again - you may be onto something there, Taco Bell.
[...insert witty sign-off here..]
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Awesome thoughts on NBC's "The Voice"
Yep. It happened. I started up this nonsense (read: blogging) again.
I'll skip the boring back story of what's been going on since my posts in 2008. No one cares about that (particularly as I have no readers or followers at this time). Let's get right to it then.
"The Voice". It's the by-product of NBC's belief that television is not yet over-saturated with singing competition reality shows (also reality shows in general), and the dollar signs their executives have constantly spinning round their eyeballs. Alas, I am a sucker for watching not-famous people sing, so I'm at least giving it a shot.
It is a little different than most shows of its kind (though whether or not I'd call it "refreshingly" so is another matter). It's actually a competition between the stars/judges/coaches as well as the actual performers. The coaches are each to choose a team of 8 performers that will compete against the other coaches and their teams. They create their teams by listening to the performers with their backs turned. If they like what they hear, they press a button/buzzer, turn around and meet their newest team member face-to-face. If multiple coaches do so, then the performer gets to decide for themselves the coach with which they'd like to work. It's a significant change from traditional singing contests in that it's not just the "new talent" that's competing; it's the judges as well.
I say "new talent" (think air quotes, people) because the other way in which this show greatly differs from others of its class is that the contestants aren't amateurs. I won't get into that much further, but you can read more about it here.
The judges are an interestingly varied sort: Christina Aguilera, Cee lo Green, Blake Shelton and Adam Lavigne. They're all stellar in their own right. Does that make them decent coaches?
I'll give the show props for not capitalizing on the humiliation, tears and inherent hilarity of watching terrible singers perform and get run through by the harsh let downs of their idols. The chemistry between the judges is a bit off, and there are some contestants that are just truly underwhelming, but it's got an interesting enough premise in its break from the singing competition norms. I'm not at all hooked, but not entirely turned off. Guess we'll see where it goes from here.
One more thing: the show gets props for introducing me to the most bitching 'fro I've ever seen.
Seriously, look at that shit. Dude has gotten soooooo much more play than you.
[insert witty sign-off here]
I'll skip the boring back story of what's been going on since my posts in 2008. No one cares about that (particularly as I have no readers or followers at this time). Let's get right to it then.
"The Voice". It's the by-product of NBC's belief that television is not yet over-saturated with singing competition reality shows (also reality shows in general), and the dollar signs their executives have constantly spinning round their eyeballs. Alas, I am a sucker for watching not-famous people sing, so I'm at least giving it a shot.
It is a little different than most shows of its kind (though whether or not I'd call it "refreshingly" so is another matter). It's actually a competition between the stars/judges/coaches as well as the actual performers. The coaches are each to choose a team of 8 performers that will compete against the other coaches and their teams. They create their teams by listening to the performers with their backs turned. If they like what they hear, they press a button/buzzer, turn around and meet their newest team member face-to-face. If multiple coaches do so, then the performer gets to decide for themselves the coach with which they'd like to work. It's a significant change from traditional singing contests in that it's not just the "new talent" that's competing; it's the judges as well.
I say "new talent" (think air quotes, people) because the other way in which this show greatly differs from others of its class is that the contestants aren't amateurs. I won't get into that much further, but you can read more about it here.
The judges are an interestingly varied sort: Christina Aguilera, Cee lo Green, Blake Shelton and Adam Lavigne. They're all stellar in their own right. Does that make them decent coaches?
- Christina Aguilera: She seems rather dis ingenuous ("dis ingenuous" is such a kick-ass thing to say), which is disappointing for someone with so much talent. She lends to the show her own brand of "campy."
- Cee lo Green: I love this guy. He's cooler than Randy Jackson, and his voice is far too addicting for my own good.
- Blake Shelton: Outstanding country performer, and (surprisingly) the most outwardly aggressive and competitive coach. He's probably the funniest. Also, he's a pretty tall guy.
- Adam Lavigne: Right off the bat, he admits that he's not as good a singer as some of the contestants. What a fantastic observation. I'm glad he agrees with me. He's also the pickiest of the judges, really hesitant to vie for a contestant unless he's truly blown away by his/her voice. That gives him a nice edge over the other judges, and he nabbed what is in my opinion some of the more talented contestants. It is noteworthy, however, that he apparently has not heard "Bless the Broken Road" before and somehow figures this gives him license to proclaim that some nasally schmuck could sing it better than Gary LeVox >.> This is fail. Dense fail. Neutron star fail.
I'll give the show props for not capitalizing on the humiliation, tears and inherent hilarity of watching terrible singers perform and get run through by the harsh let downs of their idols. The chemistry between the judges is a bit off, and there are some contestants that are just truly underwhelming, but it's got an interesting enough premise in its break from the singing competition norms. I'm not at all hooked, but not entirely turned off. Guess we'll see where it goes from here.
One more thing: the show gets props for introducing me to the most bitching 'fro I've ever seen.
Seriously, look at that shit. Dude has gotten soooooo much more play than you.Monday, November 17, 2008
Awesome thoughts on "Quantum of Solace"
Recognize this guy?
You'd better. Because he's Daniel Craig. The new (and improved) face of James Bond. Ever seen his performance in "Casino Royale," which re-birthed the Bond series? If you haven't, then go see it or hand over your testicles, guys. Because he's awesome. So was "Casino Royale." It left me greatly anticipating the next movie in which this awesome man would star an equally awesome character of fiction.
Needless to say, I happily purchased my tickets last Saturday and sat eagerly in my seat with high expectations. Those expectations were brutally destroyed over the course of the following 107 minutes.
What is "Quantum of Solace?" In a word? Garbage. Especially when compared to its incredible predecessor. This movie lacked the intrigue, suspense (it quickly became lame and predictable and predictably lame), sultriness, sensuality, and most everything else that made "Casino Royale" so great. Daniel Craig put his all into the performance, but you can't paint a beautiful picture with dog poo to work with. You can work that stuff all you want, but it'll still stink in the end.
Want a quick summary of the movie? It's pretty easy to remember. I wouldn't be surprised if prepubescent schoolgirls turned it into one of those jump rope songs they like to sing. Here goes:
Chase scene (car)
Two minutes filler dialogue
Guy gets shot
Chase scene (foot)
Three minutes filler dialogue
Guy gets stabbed
Chase scene (car again)
Three minutes filler dialogue
Chase scene (wooden motorboat???)
Boats explode
And that's pretty much how the movie went. Lots of chase scenes with a healthy serving of pointless dialogue. The plot pretty much went nowhere, and the movie left me feeling rather empty inside. The fem in the movie was very blah, especially when compared to the incredible performance of the ever-gorgeous Eva Greene in the previous film.
So here's how you can make your own crappy Bond movie: take everything that made "Casino Royale" great and strap that to your boots. Go run in a muddy field and stomp in every pile of animal turd you can find. Go for piles of dog poop. Big ones. Clifford the Big Red Dog kind of big. Then, take out the DVD, grind it into tiny pieces, and mix that in with whatever you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. Finish off with a dusting of some fight scenes that were apparently ripped from the Bourne series.
In a nutshell: "QoS" comes off as another lame action film and doesn't live up to or utilize the true potential of the franchise or the actors. For some reason, there are a lot of Bond fanboys who love the movie. This time, however, I agree with what appears to be the majority of the professional critics. You can read about that HERE.
If Sean Connery were dead, he'd be turning in his grave right about now. I'm sure Ian Fleming already has.
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