Awesome thoughts on office thievery

I picked up some food items during lunch today and decided to store them in the office refrigerator. Before doing so, I wrote my name on the containers with permanent marker...not so much to deter potential thieves (it wouldn't work anyway), but to let people know that it was not communal mayo and mustard sitting in the door there. Hey - the world doesn't always deserve my generosity.

It did get me thinking about office thievery though, and how I might respond if someone stole my food. The most awesome response I could come up with would almost certainly result in disciplinary action, but I'd still like to share the e-mail I would love to write:

"Once upon a time there was a man. A simple man, who wanted nothing more than to store his foodstuffs safely in the community refrigerator. This man made clear to mark his belongings so as to prevent any ownership confusion.

Alas, under the cover of darkness, a crafty vagabond stole away from this man the food he had stored, and the man's lunch break was subsequently ruined.

...yeah, so someone stole my food from the fridge. It had my name on it. Mine. One that is not shared with anyone in the office. Not even my first name.

So I'm going to let everyone in on a secret: I rub my balls and occasionally even my donger on any food item I store in the fridge. I'd tell you to suck my balls, but really, you already have.

Regards,

~The Man

P.S. DIAF"

Signing off...with little to no penetration

Awesome thoughts on techy things

Here are some things I learned while shopping at Best Buy yesterday:

1. Apple (still) makes some of the most frustratingly retarded mice
2. A 55-inch LED, 3D-capable HDTV can incite jealousy in any man whose had both of his testicles drop (goddamnit Samsung, why did you have to make it so fucking pretty?)
   
3. Those new hybrid hard drives are not cost-effective
4. Tablet devices look even more stupid in real life than I imagined they would

On an entirely separate train of thought (I jump trains like Harrison Ford - keep up), I am entirely disheartened to find that many websites, including and for example the FAFSA website, do not officially support Firefox. Initially I was shocked, but then I discovered that over half the world is still using Internet Explorer. This was even more shocking, as I was quite confident that Internet Explorer had been outlawed, though that may have just been part of a dream or the sorriest piece of geeky fan-fiction I've ever read. Seriously people...get with the times. The only two major browsers with increasing market share are Chrome and Safari, so if you still have a soul left in you you'll do the moral thing and start using Chrome ASAP. Or at least Firefox, so you can fulfill your lifelong dream of being more like me.

Speaking of geeky fan-fiction...what if someone wrote a story that personified the browsers in the world today as major powers in a huge Middle Earth-esque conflict? It would probably be shitty, unless there was some awesome inter-browser sex going on. Hell, I've got three installed on my desktop right now. Thems be the makings for the sexiest geek orgy you've ever seen.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on one-liners

It's rather brilliant how a single line can shift the focus of an entire conversation, or even an entire series of conversations spanning a given time period. What's even better about them is that they can come from literally anywhere, and they're particularly enjoyable when they come from someone you don't really know.

Take last night's dinner, for example. Me and my lovely companion were wrapping up dinner last night when our waiter - a kindly old man - stopped by and commented that he'd only been working at that establishment a few months and couldn't wait to try a bunch of things on the menu. Until we was able to try them all, he said, he would just have to 'undress them with his eyes, with little to no penetration.'

Needless to say, that statement - in particular the last clause - dominated conversation for the rest of the evening. I personally feel it can serve as punctuation for such a huge range of sentences/topics. For example, while walking past a massive crane after dinner, I looked up and said, "You need something moved? I can do that. I can do that SO HARD...with little to no penetration."

Sometimes I wish I could remember to document all of these little gems that life drops on me along the way. They're fantastic.

Signing off...with little to no penetration.

Awesome thoughts on restaurant names

I was thinking last night about how fun it would be to own a restaurant where the theme was to mock today's religions. From Christianity to Scientology; no one would be safe.

It would probably be called "The Flying Spaghetti House", and would feature such dishes as:

• The "Fuck Lent - this burger is too awesome not to eat" Burger
• The "Flesh of the Christ" leg of lamb (beautifully symbolic, no?)
  
• The "even Mohammed would eat this" pulled-pork sandwich

Just an idea.

[...insert witty sign-off here...]

Awesome thoughts on qualitative values

I have a problem with non-specific (read: non-quantitative) values in many situations. The inherent uncertainty and imprecision really bothers me, even if it doesn't affect my every day life so much. Every once in a while, though, life reminds me why I dislike them. Today was one of those days.

This little reminder came to me while I was gobbling up my Taco Bell lunch. Traditionally, I had ordered a chicken quesadilla (along with a few other items), and traditionally, I had saved it for last. A recent addition to my tradition - seriously, don't re-read the preceding clause unless you want to get queasy - has been to ask for extra jalapeño sauce on my quesadilla. The reason for this is that many taco bell employees seem to think that putting a thimbleful-sized amount of this sauce on their quesadillas (or indeed, none at all) is acceptable (pro-tip: IT IS DEFINITELY NOT ACCEPTABLE).

Today, however, the Taco Bell employee(s? - seriously, it might take more than one average Taco Bell employee to assemble a sandwich) that handled this part of my order saw fit to unload an amount of sauce on the quesadilla that even I would find exorbitant. I would have taken a picture and posted it here, but I did not want to admit to the world that my lunch was a direct cause of the massive jalapeño shortage that I'm sure is on the way.

Let me put this in perspective for you: I like sauces and related condiments. A lot. Salad dressing? I take it with a side of lettuce. Ketchup? You can't even tell what's underneath it in that bun. And Sour Cream?? If life had an "overflow glitch" like many video games do, I'd be alternating between being a black and a white man every other day. You know - from all the whiteness.

But this??? This was just ridiculous. The amount of sauce that dripped out of a single quarter of the quesadilla on its way to my mouth was enough to end hunger in Africa. No - not really because there would be enough to go around (though really there would be); those people would have either perished or become sterile from jalalpeño overload by the end of their partaking of this quesadilla. I am fortunate in that my own iron balls are impervious.

In all seriousness, I wish there were some more rigid definitions over what "extra" or "nearly" or "a lot of" meant. Some kind of quantitative ballpark limitations for these expressions. Maybe then I could stop thinking about fat, dead babies.

Then again - you may be onto something there, Taco Bell.

[...insert witty sign-off here..]